second time around

It's odd to be doing everything now for the second time, with her.  It's her second Christmas.  (What?)  I realized this when we went to take the Santa photo.  Last year's was an adorable shot of her sleeping on Santa's chest (I keep mistyping, "Satan," which is a whole other image and probably less adorable) .  This year, she had a look of Extreme Concern, much as if she anticipating being left with this bizarrely-dressed bearded guy and was none too excited about it.  No crying, though.

A friend of mine had a baby just after my girl's first birthday.  She, too, did IVF after a long time of trying and several losses.  All during her pregnancy, she referred to our girl as her "crystal ball baby," saying that she loved looking at her photos and thinking about what would be her life in one year.  Today, she posted their girl's first Christmas photo, which looked almost identical to the one we had from last year, and it made me weepy-nostalgic about How It Used to Be.  Now her girl is our "remember that?" baby.

It's this phase of early-toddlerhood, when the infancy days seem far away, that makes you want to have another baby. (Or, makes me want another one.)  (In theory.)  So far no luck in the "trying naturally" department, which is not unexpected.  So 2012 may bring a frozen cycle with our one totsicle; we'll see.

All yesterday she was in this mommy-only-clingy-whiny stage, which is the sort of thing that not only makes you NOT want to have another baby, it also makes you want to hand off the one you have.  She pinches me while she nurses, and although this makes me sound like a wimp: it hurts.  Especially when her fingernails are a bit on the long side.  I am so resistant to giving up nursing, for a number of reasons, but chief among them is my deep fear that I will never get to do this again, and once I let go of breastfeeding, it's over.  Forever.  (Given how hard breastfeeding was at the beginning, I can hardly believe I feel that way.)  But I'll be on an international trip for a week in May, and I've decided we will wean before then.  I hate for her to adjust to a week without Mom at the same time as a week without Mama Milks. 

She still insists on waking up between 5:30 and 5:45am.  Gaaaaaaaaah.  This is my least favorite time of day.  Naps are getting better, but the early wake-ups continue.  My husband thinks I should stop the morning nursing.  Any thoughts on whether that might help her sleep later?  At this point I'd probably go for it.  Just nursing before bedtime would be okay with me.

And molars? Suck donkey balls.  I need to work on my empathy skills.  Some days I just want to tell her to "get over it."  But this is not going to work.  And it's mean.  That's not good.

She is completely obsessed with a mole I have on the left side of my neck.  She fondles it while sucking her thumb, while nursing, anytime she wants comfort; she'll push my head to the side and find it (and pinch it, aaaaaaargh) and sigh with relief.  The other day I asked her what it was, and she said, "mo." 

Awesome first word, kid.

nap? nap? wherefore art thou, nap?

Yesterday I went to the grocery store.  While bagging my groceries, the very sweet teenaged girl doing that task asked me, "how's your day going so far?"

Here is what I said: "Just fine, thanks."

Here is what I said in my head: "Well, my child - who is adorable, thanks for mentioning that - is also cranky right now because I dragged her here mostly so we could get in the car, because for some reason, she has decided that she is not going to nap today AT ALL even though we spent damn near two hours trying to get her down, so we are here because I have an insane need to get one freaking thing done with my one day off and after this we are going to drive in the car until she falls asleep and I don't care if we end up in Colorado, THIS KID IS GOING TO TAKE A NAP for me just once, since she seems to take two-hour naps for everyone else in her life but has no interest whatsoever in taking one, just one, blessed nap for her own mother."

Perhaps you can see why I did not say that out loud. 

Naps.  Why is it that she takes them for everyone else except me?  Really?  Does anyone have any tips on this?  Because I am about to lose my mind.  She goes to daycare on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, where she regularly takes a 90-120 minute nap.  Every time.  At home, she took a 90-minute nap on Sunday when her dad put her down.  Once or twice a month, she goes to my parents' house on Fridays, where she almost always takes at least a 60-90 minute nap.

For me? 40 minutes.  Maybe 45.  Once I got 90 minutes out of her but that was apparently a complete fluke.

She's getting some molars, I'm pretty sure.  She still sleeps well at night, for which I am grateful (but if one more person says to me, "well, at least she sleeps at night, my kid didn't sleep through the night until she was 24 so see how my life is so much worse than yours?" I am going to kick some as$).

But why won't she nap for me?  What is this about?  Anyone?